26

this saturday, we harvested mamei and limes and madarines and ocra. this saturday we pealed the coffee beans, we rosted amd grinded them we drank it hot in an afternoon cup of coffee. we mixed our freshly grinded cocoa powder with "panela" (cane sugar) and we heated it until creamy - we ate our chocolate with the banana harvested last week.

my hands were first dirty with soil and leaves, the acidic smell of fresh lime impregnating my skin. my heart was full with my nourished soul, being fed not only food but love, regenerative energy and growth.

we'll change the saying from now on. i did not have a farm-to-table experience. had a soil-to-soul moment.

it was on my last day at a tiny coastal city in ecuador. my bus would live only on 10pm, so i made my way to the beach and waited there.

the minutes passed, and magic filled the air. the water darkening with the upcoming twilight, the sun staining its surface orange. yellow and purple clouds, fluffy as freshly wiped cream. the sun sent its last rays to the beach.

one of them arrives in a toddlers playing with a stick, drawing organic figures by the shore, its small footprints constantly swept my the smallest waves. his mom calls him and he runs, laughing at the sea.

seabirds fly in the last bits of day, their wings beating energetically - their fly, peaceful.

the song that has become a soundtrack of my life lately was sung by one of my favorite artists in front of my eyes. the melody started and i could already sense my tears coming. i will never forget this moment and how much this song means to me.

"born in the darkness - who brings the light now?"

for a few days this month, my light was a tiny little flame, it was dwindling while i tried to protect form the windy, stormy inner weather. in the song "just for fun" from beyoncé, she asks herself who would bring the light in the dark, just to realize that only her could do that.

driving to the beach, the skies of são paulo were gray and rainy - apart from one big blue stain. from the car, i watched as it followed us until itanhém, getting bigger, the grey clouds welcoming back the sun rays. as we approached our house by sea my dad said: "you see? we bring the sun".

After my Vietnam e-Visa got delayed, Laos welcomed me through my last days in SEA. And this is how I wrote about my first encounter with Laos's atmosphere on my journal:

"Up in that temple, sat by the watch of a thousand golden budhas, the yellow glowing sunlight hit my face, fillinf me with warmth, strenght - vital energy. I closed my eyes and let the light shine on and through me. I let its heat invade my spirit.

Not so slowly, the sun took rest in its home beyond the mountains, coloring the sky orange, welcoming the darkness, blending its color. Purple.

Shimmering, glithering are the waters of the Mekong running north, strong but stable in its ever changing chemistry."

When I arrived in Phuket, the first thing I did was walk to the beach, step in the wet sand and listen to the sound of the waves breaking. As if welcoming me to this new place, the water was warm, the small waves by the shore felt like gentle ripples of joy. The sun was hitting my skin and I could feel my body absorbing its energy, its rays finding me now in another direction. The blue sky by the horizon showed me immense possibilties of becoming. I wanted to stay there forever.

It's been long since I've been to the beach. This first moment in Phuket, before even settling in, was as letting my inner voice guided me to that point of contact with the ocean, and I was so glad it did.

This birthday feels different. Not bad, just different. There are no cards with hand written letters, no cakes made by your best friends, no surprise party, no shower, and again, sem o pai e a mãe. In Mae Sapok, in the mother of the ever turning river there was a cake, a chocolate cake with raspberry cullie, and brownies. There were coxinhas, and pastel and feijoada. I don't even like feijoada, but I ate it, I felt loved, I felt seen. There was tight hug, flooding you with love as a waterfall fills a creed with life. This birthday feels different. But there is something that I never felt without it: love.

It might have been impulsive to book surf classes that day - but something inside me knew I needed them. The first class went horribly skillwise. The first class also went amazing, I remember swallowing so much water because everything I fell, I would laugh, a lot.

I remembered the 8-year-old Doug with his foam board, spending hours in the water playing with waves. That Doug did not care if he was bad, or if people were looking, or if he looked silly - he was playing, he was having fun. Surf classes gifted that Doug that lives inside me to reminde of how fun it can be very bad at something.

It was in my 3rd class that I could catch my first wave and. what. a. moment. I couldn't believe.